Who Wants To Be Humiliated?
by Millennium Queen
Summary: A joint fic co-written by my pal Lady Sita. It's ReBoot meets the Millionaire show, except with more Regis bashing, random thoughts, and self-insertion. Enjoy!


Who Wants To Humiliated? Who Wants To Humiliated?  
(ReBoot Meets the Millionaire Show)

Written by Lady Sita and MQ, with help from Fistula 

Disclaimer: ReBoot and its characters are owned by Mainframe. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is owned by ABC, and Regis Philbin is owned by Satan and so (to the best of my knowledge) is N*SYNC. George Dubya and Al Gore belong to the politicians. Bill Gates owns everything, so he doesn't belong to anybody. Monty Python belongs to the funny people of Great Britain. AT&T belong to someone who is not me. Oscar Meyer Weiners and Harry Carrey's Hot Dogs probably come from the same place, but we don't own either one. We own nothing. No suing, or I break you over my knee, like so. If you don't get the references, don't worry-- it'll still be funny. Please do no steal this fic or we will hunt you down. 

Rating: PG13 for violence and language  
Form: Script  
Genre: Humor  


~~~~~~~~

Scene: the set of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The audience is composed of various binomes, sprites, and people from the online ReBoot community.

Regis: Welcome to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! You're all in for a special treat: This is the one episode where I got to write the questions.

(The audience and contestants let out a collective moan)

Regis: (looks confused, but shakes it off) And now, let's meet our contestants. (The camera scans over each person as their names are called out and they all grin) Bob (pauses when he doesn't find a last name) Uuuh...um...Bob from the Supercomputer; Enzo Matrix, from Mainframe-

Matrix: (points Gun at Regis) That's MATRIX to you.

Regis: (swallows) Uh, yes, Matrix from Mainframe; Mouse from...

Mouse: (rolls her eyes) Just say Mainframe, kay?

Regis: Mouse, from Mainframe; AndrAIa...(is once again unable to find a last name or location) Oh well, I'm sure the audience doesn't care who you are, because we all know they just came to see me, with my friendly ways, and winning smiles! I'm just an all around likable guy! (flashes his unnaturally white teeth)

MQ: (appears behind Regis and whacks him in the head, knocking his false teeth out) We only came here to see _ them _ moron. Nobody here gives a rat bagel about you, you stupid git! Now do it right! (hits him again)

Regis: (Blushing and replacing his false teeth he looks around nervously at the glaring crowd) uh... Hexadecimal, Dot Matrix, and Demon.

Daemon: The name is Daemon, you hamster-faced little creep!

Regis: (Regaining his self-confidence, as well as his moronic false cheer) Where are you from, Ms. Demon?

Daemon: Just shut your damn mouth before I infect you.

Regis: Yeeeah...now let's get on with the show. Audience, we will need complete silence.

(everyone in the audience sits silently except for MQ, Lady Sita, and H20 Angel, who are sitting in a knot, giggling ferociously about something or other. Regis glares at them and they all make faces at him before quieting down. There is a silent pause, and Regis is about to say something when--)

MQ: (pretends to cough into her hands) Regis sucks!

Regis: Who said that?

MQ: (whistles and looks away)

Regis: (sighs) This is going be a long show, isn't it?

Audience and contestants: (nod and grin)

Regis: Anyway, whoever puts the answers to the following question in the correct order the fastest gets to be the next contestant.  
The first question is...(reads the card) Ooh! A tough one:   
Put these numbers in order from largest to smallest:  
7  
9  
1  
4  
3  


(There is total silence then Fistula shouts)

Fistula: Duh! That's supposed to be a question?!? Even _I_ know the answer is:   
4  
1  
7  
3  
9

(Everyone stares at him and he just sits there grinning like a moron.)

Fistula: What?

Regis: Riiiiiight...well...

H20 Angel: Fistula, maybe you should go join Regis, you guys have a lot in common. Namely IQ levels...

Fistula: (furrows his eyebrows) I don't get it...

Lady Sita: (smacks herself in the forehead) ARRRRGGGG!!! I can't believe I'm related to him...

Regis: (clears his throat) Ahem. May I? This is MY show.

Lady Sita: (from the audience) Just when you thought his ego couldn't get any bigger...

MQ: (muttering) That's what you said when he started this whole stupid fad.

Lady Sita: I know! What kind of a question is that? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... DUH! Who DOESN'T want to be a millionaire? Damn, what's this guy's problem?!?

Regis: (looking pissed) Ladies! Quiet!

(MQ's and Lady Sita's eyes widen. Everyone in the room gasps.)

Lady Sita: Uh, exCUSE me, but are YOU telling US what to do here?

MQ: What kind of idiot talks to the AUTHORS like that? Listen, bub! We have all the power here! Watch your mouth, or I'll...

H20 Angel: Hey guys! Look! (points) Bob buzzed in first!

(This gets their attention. They sit down.)

Regis: (looks exasperated) All right Mr...uh...Bob. You're our first contestant. So, you're from Mainframe, correct?

Bob: Yeah, you mentioned that already. Can we get on with the questions, please?

Regis: (continues on as if he didn't hear Bob) And is that your lovely wife in the contestant's row? (the camera zooms in on Dot, so close that it smacks her in the forehead. She curses loudly.)

Bob: (blushes)

H20 Angel: Look! Look! He's purple! Hee hee!

Bob: Um, no, that's my girlfriend. Now can we get on with this?

Regis: (continuing to ignore Bob) How long have you two been together?

Bob: That's none of your business. Get on with the ***bleep*** question!

Regis: Ooookay, then. Let's begin. (waits patiently as the lights do the weird dramatic thing, and the audience magically fades away so all you can see is Regis and Bob. The susepnsful music keeps playing in the background for a while, as they wait.) The first question is: Which of the following is a member of the group N*Sync?  
A: Nick  
B: Justin  
C: Brian  
D: Corey

Bob: (shudders) Ug...uhhh...Can I use a lifeline?

Regis: (cocks an eyebrow) On the first question?

Bob: Um, yeah, I'm kinda out of my league here. I would like to ask the audience.

Regis: Ok, audience, get out your voting thingies and help Bob out.

(Lady Sita pokes MQ and whispers to her. MQ in turn pokes the person next to her and whispers. This continues until the whole audience is smirking as they type in their answers.)

Regis: Here's the results:  
Nick-25%  
Justin-25%  
Brian-25%  
Corey-25%

Bob: (jaw drops) Uh, is that right?

Regis: (shrugs) Apparently.

(MQ and Lady Sita giggle, and Regis glares at them.)

Bob: (Al Gore) I want a recount! 

Lady Sita: It's been done to death honey.

Bob: (shrugs) Can I use another lifeline?

Regis: Another?

Bob: Yes. I would like to use the computer.

Regis: All right. Computer, take away two of wrong answers.

(There is a weird noise and A and C are removed from the answers.)

Bob: (groans) I thought it was Nick. (thinks for a moment) Can I use my last lifeline?

Regis: (gets a weird look on his face) Are you sure?

Bob: Yes.

Regis: Who would like to call?

H20 Angel: (mouths the words) Call me! Call me! I know the answer! (waves her cell phone around and holds up a huge sign with the number on it)

MQ: (snickering) 1-800-HOT4BOB

H20: (slaps her)

Bob: My friend, Turbo.

H20 Angel: Damn! (throws the sign which hits Regis in the back of the head)

Regis: Ow! Crap!...uh...and who would Turbo be?

Matrix: (from the contestant's row) The Prime Guardian, duh!

Regis: Huh?

Bob: Never mind. Call him, already.

Regis: Ok, our friends AT&T will connect you.

(There is the sound of a dial tone, then the phone picked up.)

Turbo: Hello?

Regis: Hello, Mr. Turbo. This is Regis from "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire".

*Click* (Turbo hangs up.)

Regis: He hung up on you, Bob.

MQ: No, he hung on you, idiot. No one likes you! (glares at Regis)

Regis: Miss, if you don't keep your act together, I'll have you escorted off the set.

MQ: (jumps up out of her seat) Why you little...

H20 Angel: (reaches up, grabs MQ, and pulls her back down) I said, you can murder him later.

MQ: (gives Regis an icy stare but complies)

Bob: Can you try calling him again?

Regis: Sure, as long as you speak to him first.

(They are reconnected.)

Turbo: Whut?!?

Bob: It's Bob. I'm on the Millionaire show. I need your help with a question.

Turbo: How much?

Bob: Uh...thirty-two thousand.

Turbo: Ah'll help ya, as long as you split it wit me.

~~~~~~~~

MQ's Note: The strange way in which Turbo is speaking is Lady Sita's pathetic attempt to make Turbo 'Sound' like he's from Texas. She doesn't seem to realize that this is a fanfic, and none of us can actually hear him. I think she needs a reality check...  
Lady Sita: Right...Hey!  


~~~~~~~~

Bob: Um, okay. The question is: Which of the following is a member of the group N*Sync: Justin or Corey?

Turbo: Whut the...? Whut kind of a ***bleep*** question is that?

Bob: I didn't write it!

Turbo: Damnit, Bob, why did ya hafta call me, of all people?!?

Bob: You're the only person I know who isn't here and the audience would recognize...

Turbo: Well whut about Phong?

Bob: He's here--(looks at the contestant row where Lady Sita had origanally planned to put Phong) Hmm...I dunno...I think he fell into a plot hole...

Turbo: (hangs up)

Lady Sita: That's funny...I didn't plan a plot...how did we end up with plot holes?

MQ: Whoops! Sorry Phong! (pulls out a small silvery object)

Fistula: Ooooh! Shiny! What is it?

MQ: A plot device. They work especially well when there's no plot. (presses a button and Phong suddenly appears in the contestant row.)

Regis: Uhhh...

MQ: (snickers)

Bob: Damn it, I'll just guess. D.

Regis: Is that you're final answer?

Bob: Yes.

Regis: (leans closer to Bob) Are you sure?

Bob: Yes.

Regis: (getting right up in Bob's face, practically shouting) Absolutely positive? That's your honest to goodness _final_ answer?? Cuz you can't take it back once you say it's your final answer!

Bob: (nervous) Yes! Yes! It's my final answer!

Regis: (long melo-dramatic pause, cue cheesy music) I'm sorry, Bob, the answer is B.

(Bob, looking very pissed, gets up, blows up a wall, and stomps out.)

Regis: (sighs) Let's cut to the commercial. (The screen fades to black)

~~~~~~~~

Commercial person: Looking for a job? Need money for college? Want some action?

(The audience hoots and hollers.)

~~~~~~~

MQ's Note: Hey, why is there an audience in the commercial? These are supposed to be pre-recorded...  
Lady Sita: Well how did you expect me to throw in that pointless, smutty sexual reference without an audience who was susceptible to it?  
MQ: Point. 

~~~~~~~

Commercial person: Not that kind of action! The shooting stuff kind of action!

Daemon: (appears on screen) Then stop your searching! Join the Guardian Academy today! You'll have the wonderful opportunity of serving under me!

Infected Guardian: (steps in) It's great! (gives thumbs up then leans close to the camera, whispering) Help us! She's random!

Daemon: (kicking Infected Guardian out of the way) Or, be a renegade Guardian, and get trapped in the Web! If you manage to survive, you get to go home and crash your system! Plus, you'll get scars that make the girls swoon for you!

H20 Angel: (pokes her head in) That's not necessarily a good thing.

Fistula: (from off screen) I don't get it...

Daemon: (muttering) Quiet, brat! (shoves H20 Angel aside) Become a Guardian today! (infected Guardian icon fills the screen)

Infected Guardian: (whiny tone) Ow, that hurt.

~~~~~~~

(Fades back to the studio)

Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! We're about to pick another contestant, since Bob lost on the first question.

Bob: (yelling from somewhere off stage) It wasn't my fault!!

Fistula: (dripping with sarcasm) Suuuuure it wasn't. (MQ whacks him) OW!

Regis: ANYWAY, we'll have another fastest-fingers thing to get our next contestant. Audience, we will need complete silence. (the audience immediately begins talking loudly and making loud noises. Regis glares) 

Lady Sita: (flashes Regis the international hand signal)

Fistula: I fart in your general direction! (does so)

Audience: Ewww...

Lady Sita: (jabs Fistula in the ribs) Stop that!

Regis: (shaking his head and thinking: 'Why me?') Put these shows in chronological order, starting with the earliest:  
A: Home Improvement  
B: All in the Family  
C: Full House  
D: Three's Company

Regis: (pauses as he waits for the answer) Here's the solution:  
D: Three's Company  
B: All in the Family  
C: Full House  
A: Home Improvement  
And the person with the fastest time is...Hexadecimal!

(The other contestants stare at the ex-virus blankly)

AndrAIa: Hex, how did you know that? You don't even have a TV!

Hexadecimal: (shrugs as she seats herself down across from Regis) I spent a lot of time with Mike at the begining of season two...(peers at Regis) Why doesn't your hair move?

Regis: (glares at Hexadecimal) At least I have hair.

Lady Sita: Oh really? (grabs a fishing pole and casts a line. Her hook catches Regis's "hair" and she yanks, Regis bad wig falls to the floor, then scuttles away, of it's own accord.)

Audience: AAAAHH!!!

Regis: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Hexadecimal: (laughs cruelly as Regis frantically attempts to cover his ugly, glue covered head) What's the first question?

Regis: (pulling his coat up so it covers his head) Um, the first question is Who sings 'Johnny B Good'?

A: MQ  
B: Megabyte  
C: Chuck Berry  
D: Corey Stalin

~~~~~~~

MQ's Note: Please, keep in mind that all these questions are written by Regis, so bare with us. 

~~~~~~~

Hexadecimal: Chuck Berry.

Regis: (Another melo-dramatic pause and more cheesy music) Annnnnd...you got it right for 100 dollars! And now the next question...Which of the following does a light switch light up?

A: A light bulb  
B: Hamsters  
C: BeefLog  
D: Uncle Sausage

Hexadecimal: Hmmm...(concentrates for a moment) A light bulb?

Regis: (rolls his eyes) Now you've got 200 dollars. Are you nervous?

Hexadecimal: Not particularly.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Hexadecimal: Of course it is, you fool! Quit with the chitchat, or I'll sic Mike on you!

Lady Sita & H20 Angel: Anything but that!

MQ: I kinda like Mike...

(everyone in the audience stares at her)

MQ: What?

Regis: All right, already! The third question for 300 dollars is...What is MQ's favorite phrase?  
A: Holly guacamole, Batman!  
B: Beef! It's what's for dinner!  
C: Behold the power of cheese...  
D: All of the above.

Hexadecimal: (raising an eyebrow) What does that have to do with anything?

Regis: (shrugs) She's an insane, attention-craving teenager, don't ask me to try to understand her. She must hae stuck that card in while I wasn't looking...

(MQ tries to look innocent)

H20 Angel: (hissing to Hex) The answer's A!

Hexadecimal: (about to answer when MQ starts yelling)

MQ: (to H20 Angel) WHAT?! A?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND! I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT!!! (sniffle) I thought we were buds...(voice cracks) You never really liked me did you?! (starts sobbing, runs offstage and locks herself in the bathroom)

Audience: (stares blankly)

H20 Angel: (shouting offstage) Drama Queen! Hey, what do you know...Regis was actually right about something...she IS an insane, attention-craving teenager...

Everyone else: (shrugs)

MQ: (from the bathroom) It's...(sniff) C Hex!

Hex: Uh...C?

~~~~~~~

Lady Sita's Note: The rest of the scene was cut for gratuitost violence because Hexadecimal got the wrong answer, killed several audience members who cannot be identified and then self-destructed. Also, Fistula started producing an User-awful strench and the studio had be temporarily evacuated. That and MQ's a lazy ass and didn't want to finish the scene...

~~~~~~~

(Some time later in the show)

(A buzzer dings.)

Regis: You know what that sound means!

(The audience and contestants stare at him blankly, and Phong blinks)

Regis: (sighs) Haven't any of you ever watched the show before?

MQ: Actually: I try very hard NOT to watch this show.

Lady Sita: Yeah, I've never even seen it before.

Regis: Then what are you doing here?!?

MQ: We're here to make sure this is the last episode...(grins wickedly)

H20 Angel: But don't worry, they won't kill you until the show's over. 

Regis: (looks at MQ) I thought you locked yourself in a bathroom?

MQ: (shrugs)

Regis: (eyeing the authors nervously) Riiight...okay. Well, that sound means it's time for a bonus round. Contestants will buzz in and whoever buzzes first will have a surprise task to complete. The surprise task can be anything as demeaning as saying: 'Regis is cool' to playing--hey! Who wrote these cards?!

(MQ and H20 Angel hide markers behind their backs)

Regis: (shakes his head) Ready contestants? GO!

(Matrix buzzes in first)

Regis: Matrix, all right, here is your task--

MQ: You must cut down the tallest tree in the forest with (holds up a dead fish) a HERRING!!

Regis: (glares at MQ)

MQ: (leaping out of her chair) Ni! Ni!!

Regis: (shaking his head) Your task is to sing the Oscar Meyer Wiener song.

Matrix: (looks surprised) That doesn't sound too bad...

Regis: (bends over and pulls a frilly pink tutu from a box that suddenly, magically appeared on the stage. *MQ can be seen in the audience, waving her plot device*) Wearing this.

Matrix: WHAT?!? (dragged offstage to change)

Audience Member: What? What does that have to do with 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'?

Lady Sita: Nothing. We just wanted an excuse to have Matrix prancing around on stage in a frilly pink tutu...with large pieces of dancing, singing fruit...

Matrix: (from offstage) _ What?! _What large pieces of fruit?! That card doesn't say anything about fruit!!

Lady Sita: (grabs a marker from MQ and runs up onto the stage. She takes Regis's card and scribbles something on it) Yes it does, see? (holds the card up to a camera so Matrix can see it in a monitor backstage)

Matrix: You just wrote that in!

Lady Sita: Did not!

Regis: We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

(screen fades out) 

~~~~~~~

Hoggle: (leaping onto the screen out of nowhere) Are you tired of the lack of Spork in your life?

Mouse: (joining her) Are you looking for some action?

MQ: (leaps across the screen and crashes offstage, then scrambles to her feet and runs back in to join to the other two) Then look no further, folks!

Hoggle: Just hop on over to [ Area 57 ][1] or [ Mouse's Digital Domain ][2] and check out the amazing, action-packed adventures of Sporkman, the masked hero of Knorkam City, protecting its inhabitants from the e-val Spongebob Daemon and her villainous attempts at Web domination!

MQ: And don't forget to check out SUPERBOB, that Caped Crusader for Justice, in the fanfic section of Mouse's site. He can also be found residing in my author profile, so after you're done reading this piece of junk, go read it. I order you!!!

All-knowing Announcer: Side affects may include mild insanity and decreased brain activity. If ingested, induce vomiting.

~~~~~~~

(Fades back to the studio where several stagehands, wearing over-sized fruit costumes are milling around the set, looking bored.)

Regis: All right, welcome back to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! Right now, our contestant is getting ready to perform his bonus task.

Audience Member from earlier: I'm telling you, this isn't part of the show!

(Lady Sita snaps her fingers and the binome is dragged away by two Stormtrooper binomes with the word 'SECURITY' printed on the back of their armor)

~~~~~~~

MQ's Note: Special apologies go out to Darth Maligna, cuz I skeefed her Stormtrooper Security guards. 

~~~~~~~

Regis: (acting as if nothing happened) Matrix, are you ready?

Matrix: (from offstage) NO! 

(Matrix is pushed out from backstage by a giggling pineapple, who follows him. Matrix is wearing a bright, fuchsia tutu and looking utterly embarrassed. Everyone goes nuts laughing at him.)

Bob: (decided to come back, but is now sitting in the audience with MQ, Lady Sita and H20 Angel. Fistula, who has been booted out of his seat, is seating on the floor, glaring a Bob) Aren't you (snorts) s'posed to sing something?

AndrAIa: (in between giggles) Yeah, Enzo, go ahead...sing!

(Dot collapses at her console, laughing her head off while Hexadecimal eyes Matrix's outfit)

Matrix: (hesitates)

MQ & Lady Sita: Don't forget to dance!

Matrix: (is suddenly possessed by the the Gods of Happy Dancing and begins to prance about the stage, grinning like the Jolly Green Giant) Oh, I wish I were am Oscar Meyer Wiener! That is what I'd truly like to beeeeee!! (the fruit behind him have begun a full-length, choreographed dance routine, doing flips and twirls and dips and spins) 'Cuz if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener, everyone would be in love with meeee-eee (goes up an octave and his voice cracks, the fruit continue with their kick line, despite the fact that all the music has stopped, and no one can see them because their vision is obscured by tears of mirth)

Regis: (rolling on the floor with laughter)

(Everyone else stops laughing and glares at him.)

Lady Sita: (furious) Did I give you permission to laugh?!? (prepares to zap Regis out of existence, but he abruptly explodes)

Matrix: (blows smoke from his gun)

MQ: (stares at Matrix, absolutely bewildered) How'd you hide your gun under that skin-tight tutu?

(Everyone laughs and Matrix blushes)

Fistula: (sniffing) What is that smell? (sniffs himself) Oh, it's just me.

H20 Angel: No, I think I smell smoke...

(The door is suddenly blown off its hinges, and Satan comes storming through it.)

Audience: AAAAHH!!!

Satan: You have destroyed my cohort! Now you shall all perish!

MQ: (rolls her eyes) Oh, please. (pokes Satan in the eye with a Spork)

Satan: (whining) Ow! Oh, my eye! (bursts into tears) Why did you have to go and do a thing like that for?? You're so mean!! (runs off in tears, but accidentally trips, impaling himself on his pitchfork, and dying instantly)

H20 Angel: Kids always remember not to run with sharp objects. 

Lady Sita: (ignoring her) Now, let's see who you really are! (pulls off Satan's mask to reveal...)

MQ: Jinkies! It's Bill Gates!

(Everyone gasps.)

Lady Sita: Now, is that really that big of a shock?

(Everyone shakes their heads)

Fistula: That explains a whole lot of stuff...

Lady Sita: (walks over to the pile of ashes that were once Regis and picks up his cards, which are miraculously unharmed) Guess I'll have to be the host now!

(The audience and contestants rum rampant cheering and hooting for her.)

Lady Sita: Thank you, thank you. (takes a bow)

(MQ can be seen leaping above the mayhem, trying to grab something near the ceiling, she finally succeeds and pulls down a boom mike)

MQ: (shouting into it) We'll be right back after these messages! (tugs her dress out of the path of some insane binomes, and whacks one with her Saturn Stick as it accidentally steps on the hem) Oy...this is murder on my senatorial gown...HEY WATCH IT! THIS IS DRY CLEAN ONLY!!

(The screen fades to a commercial.) 

~~~~~~~

Announcer: (who happens to be Norm McDonald) From Hamster Co, it's new and improved, Harry Caray's Hotdogs!

Chorus: (A group of small, out of key children start singing.) Hotdogs! Hotdogs! It's Harry Caray's Hotdogs! They're green and black, taste like rubber, and give you major gas! Eat 'em now, while they're hot, they'll burn while shooting out yer--

Harry: (constantly wobbles head while talking) Hi! I'm Harry Cary! Eat my HOTdogs! If you like dogs and possum feet, you'll LOVE my HOTdogs! They taste so good, you'll come back for SEConds! Why, you'll be on the can for HOURS! (turns to the Announcer) Say, Mr. Announcer, can I ask you a QUEStion?

Announcer: Um...uh, sure, Harry, what is it?

Harry: If, If you were a HOTdog, and you were STARving, and there was no other food around, wouldja EAT yerself?

Announcer: Well, I...I don't know...no one's ever asked me that before...

Harry: Oh, c'mon, Norm! It's a SIMple question! If you were a hotdog, and you were starving, wouldja EAT yourself?

Announcer: Um, sure, yeeeah, I guess I would...

Harry: (turns back to the camera) I sure would! Boy, I'd eat myself with some relish, some onions, and a couple of dino-burgers! (swivels back to the Announcer) Say, do you like dinosaurs?

Announcer: Uhhh...what's this got to do with hotdogs, Mr. Caray?

Harry: Do you like dinosaurs? I'd sure like to EAT one! I'd order a BRONTOsarus burger! That's what I'D do!

Announcer: (stares at Harry)...Ok.

Harry: (turns back toward camera) So EAT my dinosaur dogs! Dinosaurs must taste really GOOD, eh, Norm?!

Announcer: Whatever, Mr. Caray.

Harry: Hey, hey, Norm, do you...do you s'pose dinosaurs had RAY-guns? C'mon, I mean...they were around for MILLions of years! They had to have ray-guns at some point! Do you s'pose maybe they shot some prehistoric form of HOTdogs with those ray-guns?

Announcer: Harry, you're, uh, not makin' any sense. I mean what are you talkin' about...ray-guns and dinosaurs...I mean, for God's sake, man, this is a commercial about hotdogs!

Harry: Eat 'em!

(fades back to studio) 

~~~~~~~

(Lady Sita is sitting in Regis's chair. Bob, H20 Angel, and MQ are sitting in the audience chatting with the pineapple from Matrix's dance routine. Fistula is no where to be found. If we're lucky, he won't come back.)

Lady Sita: Welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! I'm you're host, Lady Sita. Now for those of you just joining us, here's what's happened so far: Matrix did a dance with a bunch of over-sized fruit and then he killed Regis. Satan impaled himself, then was revealed to be Bill Gates. Now that everybody's caught up, it's time to find who our next contestant is. We're gonna do one of those fastest finger thingies again. Okay? The question is: Put these events in order as the occurred:  
the first "supposed" moon landing, (didn't you see that special on Fox?)  
the election of George Dubya to the office of president of the Yoonited States,  
the birth of Christ,  
the airing of the first episode of ReBoot,  
the invention of the first space-toilet (you don't wanna know what those space-ships looked like BEFORE...)

(Pauses for a moment before reading the answer)

The correct order is:  
the first moon landing,   
the birth of Christ,  
the invention of the first space-toilet, (thank god they came up with those...)  
the airing of the first episode of ReBoot,  
the election of (shudder) George Dubya to the office of president...and the contestant to buzz in first is--

H20 Angel: What? No, I'm sure that Christ was born BEFORE the moon landing...you sure you got the questions right Sita?

Lady Sita: Of COURSE I'm sure I got them right. What do you think I am, stupid?

MQ: ...

H20 Angel: (with her Encyclopedia Britanica colledtion) Nope, says here the moon landing happened in 1969 AD that means After Death. So there. (sticks her tongue out)

Lady Sita: (over-reacting) That's it! (tries to zap H20 out of existance)

H20 Angel: Ow! Damnit that hurt!

Lady Sita: What? You're supposed to be dead! (tries again)

H20 Angel: Hey! Knock it off!

Lady Sita: Damnit, why won't you die?!

H20 Angel: Because MQ's writing this part of the fic. You have no control over your actions.

Lady Sita: (glares at MQ who hides a laptop behind her back)

MQ: Eh...heh heh heh...ahem. (Pretends to straighten her gown. She finds a small rip)...hey Bob! There's a 'tear' in my dress, could ya come over here and fix it for me? (nudges the pineapple next to her) Get it? Tear? Ha ha ha!!! (the pineapple looks nervously at her for a second then scoots out of her reach)

Lady Sita: (still glaring at H20 Angel) Anyway...Dot buzzed in first with the CORRECT answer (shoots another angry glance at H20) So Dot, you're in the Hot Seat. (Dot gets into the Hot Seat and they both wait impatiently for cheap 'dramatic effects' to kick in) Okay. So th--(is cut off by a missplaced piece of cheesy music) Okay...(waits for a second) Alright, the first question is:  
Why did Bob have such unusual hair?  
a) It's actually a mop head with a chrome finish.  
b) It's a lot better looking than that red hair he had in 'Identity Crisis: Part II'.  
c) When he was a child, he got into an accident with that machine that polishes bowling balls.  
d) Because it made a really neat light show when you pointed something shiny at it.  
Dot: ...Um...can I use a lifeline?

Lady Sita: Sure. And ya know what? Since I like you, I won't even count this.

Dot: Great! I wanna call Bob.

Lady Sita: Um...Bob? Do you have a phone on you?

Bob: No...

Lady Sita: Okay, well we'll just put you through to H20 Angel and he can use her phone. The AT&T Guy can connect us. Take it away AT&T Guy!

AT&T Guy: Um...what's that number agian? 

MQ: (being as helpful as possible) 1-800-HOT4BOB! 

Dot: What?! HEY! (glares at H20 who is putting the moves on Bob in the audience)

H20 Angel: Eeeeep! (hides under her seat)

(H20's phone starts ringing. She hands it to Bob without leaving her hiding place)

Bob: Hello? 

Lady Sita: Hi Bob! It's Lady Sita, from 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' Dot's having trouble with this question, so she has 30 seconds to tell you the question and get the answer from you. Okay?

Bob: Okay.

Lady Sita: Go!

Dot: ...

Bob: Dot? What's the question?

Dot: You're in the God damned audience Bob! You know what the ***bleep*** question is!

Bob: (hides under the seat with H20) 

Dot: HEY!

H20 Angel: (Runs to hide behind MQ)

Lady Sita: Three...two...one. I'm afraid that's all the time you have for that call...

Dot: (stands and walks across the room to Bob's seat, she pulls him up by the collar) WHAT is the ANSWER?! 

Bob: (cringes) C...(sniffle) I was scarred for life...the web was a vacation spot compared to that bowling ball machine!

Dot: Aw...poor baby...(drops him and runs back to the HotSeat) C! Final answer!

Lady Sita: Well, we actually had no idea, so you would have been counted correct if you'd picked any of those choices.

Dot: ...

(a strange noise fills the room)

Lady Sita: Okay, I'm pretty sure that sound means we're out of time, so we'll be back with Dot and the rest of the ReBoot cast next time on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'!

**-End**

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/hexadecimal57/
   [2]: http://www.crosswinds.net/~mouse452/reboot/index.html



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